Zillionth Times the Charm

I'm a repeat offender when it comes to giving up, particularly when it comes to losing weight. LOSING weight has been a LOSING battle. Fat Tessa will take over my body completely; I will lose myself to her lazy & fattening ways if this battle continues faltering, if I continue to slide down this enormous mountain of lard instead of climbing up. I mean, come on...how many chances do I give myself before simply succumbing to Fat Tessa & her unhealthy ways? I deserved the 2nd chance, even the 3rd & the 4th chance. But the 10th chance? 100th? 1000th? This battle is tough. I know this, we all know this. In the beginning I knew there was a chance I'd fight hard, get wounded & then give up. I also knew that if that happened, I'd recover & ride into battle again. And I have. Again...and again...and again...and again. Those first few chances are deserved & imperative for anyone to learn from them, grow from them & ultimately figure out how to fight & fight successfully!

Here is my repeated failure routine (something I'm sure hoping many of you can relate to as well): 

Something pushes me to make a change. It could be anything! Seeing some smoking hot cougar flaunt her toned body in a bikini whereas I practically swim entirely clothed. I may as well wear a parka in the pool. How about looking at myself naked in a mirror? Yikes. Sorry for that disturbing mental image. Oh, we all can relate here...SHOPPING! Fun times, right? Trying on those size 12 jeans when you know you're a size 22. (Why do we torture ourselves with this ridiculous habit anyway? We leave the store knowing we're fat...we don't lose that fat on the drive over!) Browsing through old photos, dropping your jaw when you see how fucking hot you were & sadly realizing that even then you thought you were fat. Pick one, choose them all; whatever the case may be, something drives us to make a change for the better. I get hyped up, figure out a workout regimen, maybe write down some diet changes. I put these changes into effect for a few days but...INTERFERENCE! Something happens to stop these changes. I get sick (or in my case, pregnant...) or I have to skip a day for whatever reason or I have no healthy alternative aside from that ice cream cone I can't seem to resist. Sometimes it's because I'm around those who don't need or want to make a change or perhaps someone who doesn't agree with my ways. Whatever it may be...my fiery motivation has been interfered with and then I lose any progress (big or small...because even small progress is good progress!) and I simply stop. And really, this excuse is rationalized in my mind because I probably could have worked through whatever I felt was stopping me. Sigh. It's a vicious cycle.

My mind is clear, friends, and my eyes work perfectly. Okay, so I don't actually have 20/20 vision, but my vision is good enough to see the fat dripping over my jeans. Nobody needs a microscope to see that! I know what I see in front of my when I scrutinize myself in the mirror. And I know how it's affecting my life. But my body? Fat Tessa has nearly taken it up in it's entirety! How do I connect the two? How do I fuse my mind & my body together to synchronize? At what point do I stop giving myself chances?

I've contemplated this question for quite some time & I've realized the answer is simple. NEVER. I never stop giving myself chances. And why? Because I am worth it. My self esteem, my happiness & my health...they are worth fighting for. My children are worth fighting for. My husband is worth fighting for. My life is worth fighting for. 

So how can I climb over this giant, looming mountain of failure? I don't know. I haven't yet. I've taken a few steps up, only to tumble back down again. But I'll tell you what...I will keep trying. I'll keep trying & eventually I will make it over that damn mountain. I will make it happen. And I will give myself as many chances as I need...zillionth times the charm, right? And when I make it over that mountain, I will turn around & give it two big MIDDLE FINGERS.

[I want this to be an interactive blog! Are you still facing this mountain, like me? Have you taken a few steps up & continue to climb? Or have you made it over, are you still successfully fighting off that fat demon of yours? Comment below! Share your story.]

Fat Tessa.

Readers, you have stumbled upon a rare gem. (Maybe not, but it sounds good...) I'd like to formally introduce you to someone who I am incredibly close with, someone who knows my every thought & dream, someone who is always loyal & there for me...I'd like you to meet...FAT TESSA. Fat Tessa is the obese, depressing, extremely saddening & hollow version of myself. Well actually, I suppose using "hollow" as an adjective would be incorrect in this case. Fat Tessa is not hollow. Fat Tessa is full of lard. *gasp!* (How rude, you think.) Rude as it may be, it's factual. Fat Tessa isn't called Fat Tessa for no reason. She is fat...and she is no longer in denial. It's difficult to stay in denial & hide from reality when your waistline is constantly expanding, you endure back & leg pain from having to haul Fat Tessa around & the sleeves on your shirts are tightening around arms that are filling with visible cellulite. Oh yes, and my favorite...the pouch of excess skin that hangs from your stomach, which appears to drape lower & lower with every passing day. Not to mention the lack of oxygen, energy & self esteem. You see? It's finally become OBVIOUS. It's a shame it's taken this long to notice.

I've made Fat Tessa suffer through my endless bashing & insults. I've belittled Fat Tessa constantly without ever trying to help the poor chunk. It's time to make a serious change. Fat Tessa cannot continue to sit on her fat ass, stay pissed off & bitter about life, but never lift a finger (or a barbell) to change it. NO. MORE. EXCUSES.

Now reader, as I said above, this is a rare gem you've come across & I'll tell you why. You have the chance & the choice to follow Fat Tessa on her journey from FLAB to FAB! (She's pretty much already fabulous, but we're talking about physically here, of course...) You have the ability to support, encourage & help her stay on this pathway that, let's face it, will be a very tough & bumpy road for her. You have the opportunity to fight for her & push her along with strong encouraging words. And really, maybe this isn't so rare...perhaps you have your own fat alter ego? But it is a gem because Fat Tessa will transform from a moth into a butterfly. (Cliche, cliche, cliche!) Okay...let's try that again. Fat Tessa will transform into the beautiful soul that she is meant to be. She will be victorious in this battle, she will no longer despise herself, she will have the confidence to be sexy for & intimate with her husband, the energy to play with her two young children, the self esteem needed to boost the morale of others who may be fighting the same battle. You have the chance to not only watch this as it happens, but also to be a part of this. You will know that when Fat Tessa reaches the end, YOU will have helped push her there. YOU will have been a contribution in the pure elation brought into her life. YOU will have helped a depressed, self loathing woman become happy with herself again.

I know that Fat Tessa has some wonderful friends out there who will support her during this difficult journey ahead. And trust me, she will need you. And me? Well I'm going to be fighting right along side her.